irreverant humour aka jokes page

[suprize]

one more....
Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married
and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The conversation
drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives. After much discussion,
they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role playing.

The following week they met up again to compare notes. Sipping her drink,
the single girl leered and said, Last Friday at the end of the work day I
went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other
people had left, I slipped out of it, and all I had on was a leather bodice,
black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad
passionate love on his desk right then and there!

The engaged woman giggled and said, That's pretty much my story! When my
fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask,
leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we
not only made love all night, but he also wants to move up our wedding date!

The married woman put her glass down and said, I did a lot of planning. I
made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long
scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight
leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos.
I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he
grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled,

'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?'

 

[suprize]

I meant to put this up so here it is

Irish Coffee:
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her doctor to ask his advice in reviving her husband's libido.

'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.

'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'

'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went..'

It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'

'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.

'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'

'Feckin jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!'

 

[suprize]

HAVING MUM OVER FOR DINNER:
Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal,
Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's 'roommate',
Jennifer was. Brian's Mum had long been suspicious of a relationship
between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she
started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met
the eye.

Reading his mum's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you must be
thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.'

About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, 'Ever since your mother
came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver gravy ladle.
You don't suppose she took it, do you?'

Brian said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure.

So he sat down and wrote:
________________________________________

Dear Mum ,
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house,
I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle.
But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Brian ___________________________________
Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:
___________________________________

Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer,
I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer.
But the fact remains that if Jennifer was sleeping in her own bed,
she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mum ___________________________________
LESSON OF THE DAY - NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER!

 

[suprize]

The Missouri Sheriff:

A Missouri Sheriff stops at a ranch in rural MO and talks with an old farmer.
He tells the farmer, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.'
The old farmer says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'

The Sheriff verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Sheriff's Department with me.' Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge, the officer proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish...on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'

The old farmer nods politely and goes about his chores.

Later, the farmer hears loud screams and spies the Sheriff running for his life and close behind is the farmer's bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer. The Sheriff is clearly terrified.

The old farmer immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

"Your badge! Show him your Badge!"

 

[suprize]

Two women were playing golf.
One teed off and watched in
horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men
playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin,
fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in
agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately
began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a
Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd
allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the
man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position,
still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side,
loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several
long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!

 

[Mark Roper]

todays gem...

bloke calls his mate, a Cowboy, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.Cowboy asks, 'How will I recognize him?'
'That's easy; he's a Dwarf with a speech impediment.'

So, the Dwarf shows up and the Cowboy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.
'A female horth.'
So he shows him a prized filly.

'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?'
So the he picks up the Dwarf and the little fella gives the horse's eyes the once over.

'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?'
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

'Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?'
Old mate is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

'Nice mouf, can I see her twat?'
"What??!!" says the Cowboy.
Totally mad at this point, he grabs the Dwarf under the arms and rams his head up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
'Perhapth I should rephrathe that... can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?'

 

[Mark Roper]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says,
"Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!"
Exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too,"
Says the duck.

"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that,"
Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing
round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road,"
Explains the duck.
"I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a
newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you?
Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
"Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck.
"Where is it?"

"At the circus," Says the barman.

"The circus?" Repeats the duck.

"That's right," Replies the barman.

"The circus?" the duck asks again.

with the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in
caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in
the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .




"What the f.... would they want with a plasterer??!"

 

[suprize]

A man walks into a bar with a pet crocodile by his side.

He puts the crocodile up on the bar, turns to the astonished patrons....

'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute.

'Then he'll open his mouth & I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.'

The crowd murmured their approval....

The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, & placed his manhood and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth.

The croc closed his mouth. The crowd gasped.

After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the crocodile hard on the top of its head. The croc opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks was delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer...

'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A Blonde woman timidly spoke up.........

'I'll try it - Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!'

 

[suprize]

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy efficient kind and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Hellloooo,............just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.

So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!
Helllooooo? It's been a year, I told him!

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.
He never called back.
I bet he felt like an idiot..

 

[suprize]

A WOMAN WALKS INTO AN ACCOUNTANT'S OFFICE AND TELLS HIM THAT SHE NEEDS TO FILE HER TAX RETURN.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."

He gets her name, address, tax file number, etc. and then asks," What is your occupation?"

"I'm a prostitute," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "Let us try to rephrase that."

The woman says, "OK, I ' m a high-end call girl".

"No, that still won't work. Try again."

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised 650 cocks last year."

"Chicken Farmer it is."

 

[suprize]

sticking with the rural theme...

A Queensland farmer drove to a neighbours' farmhouse in his Holden ute, and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door
"Is your Dad or your mum home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to town."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No, he went with Mum and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other,and mumbling to himself.
"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Susie pregnant".
The boy thought for a moment...

"You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

 

[suprize]

this caught my humerous....

Bills down the pub having a couple of beers bragging to Brad about how he's sleeping with both the new Swedish twins who had just moved into town without them knowing

Brad said that is so cool but isnt hard to tell them apart.

Not at all says Bill, Inga has the type of body you could only dream about, 36=24=36 figure, blond hair, massive t*ts, the whole package,
Trevor has a big c*ck

 

[suprize]

paddy tells mick,"i'm thinking of buying a labrador"
"fook off" say's mick,

"have you seen how many of their owners go blind"

 

[sweed1030]

drunk stumbles into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm. his wife in bed gives him
a leer. he says , this is the pig I screw when you gotta headache ! she says , you drunken
sot , that's a sheep ! he leers back and says , I was'nt talk'n to you!